Welcome to ROX

[Music]

J: Welcome to J&B on the ROX. I'm J.

B: And I'm B.

J: And this is our special congratulations to Bill Clinton episode. Now we know that, you know, we're a week late, but —

B: Nevertheless we want to congratulate him on having won the presidential election, and we want to dedicate this show, then, to Bill Clinton.

J: And to start off the show in honor of Bill Clinton, we'd like to have a toast. Let's see. So we're gonna go over to the bar and do that.
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J: So we are going to have a toast for ol' Bill Clinton. This is Andre Cold Duck Natural. You know it's the real stuff. We're having this toast in honor of his landslide victory last Tuesday. So now these have very complex tops, and this will probably take me hours. Stop. Read before opening. Prevent eye injury. Read warning below. Uh oh. This sounds serious. Be careful. Point bottle away from self and others to avoid serious eye injury... Gosh, it's got a really long statement there about how to do that. So I wonder if this is where I'm supposed to point this away from my eye. All right. Here we go. All right. Oh joy, joy. Gosh. I feel like I'm at the Democratic National Convention. We're drinking tonight out of a fish bowl. Here. Gosh, that's bubbly. Guess that's why they call it bubbly. And a cup measure. And for our guests, a Ball Perfect Mason jar and another Mason jar. So... Here I am pouring this drink. To Bill Clinton! I would pronounce that as distinctly potable.
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B: Here's looking at you, Bill.

J: Got a new hat here. Bart is feeling presidential. You know, this is, as we said, this is Andre Cold Duck. Not to endorse any particular brand of Cold Duck, but —

B: Nor should you become confused with the term lame duck, which also is circulated in presidential times.

J: Yeah, now, lame duck means what?

B: I mean, for example, George Bush is now a lame duck.

J: Right.

B: Because he's still president [pause] but not for long.

J: Yep. So, that's not really our vocabulary word for the day. We'll get to that later. But anyway —

B: While we're on the subject of ducks, we thought that we would instruct you in the making of, in the fine art of origami.

J: Yeah.

B: And J here is going to demonstrate how to make an origami duck. If we could get a close-up on this. In fact, why don't you just do it right on the floor?

J: Okay, I will.

B: And you can tilt down for a shot of that. And meanwhile, for your edification, for your further edification, for your audio edification, I will explain some duck facts.

J: Okay, first of all, I should explain that as all great origami artists know, you need a square piece of paper to perform any kind of origami. And so now I have created —

B: [Off-camera] Look at how he deftly formed a square.

J: Okay, now just watch and listen to old B.

B: [Off-camera] Technically, technically, technically, duck is restricted to the female, the male being called drake. Males are usually colorful, females duller, but both are dull in some species, as for example in the American black duck. The male may guard the nest before watching but takes no interest in the brood and indeed is incapable of rendering active assistance by reason of an additional molt that deprives him of the power of flight until autumn. It is an interesting point that whereas the male wild duck is monogamous, the domesticated drake is polygamous. Duck is also a plain fabric made originally from tow yarns and subsequently from either flax or cotton. It is lighter than canvas or sail cloth and differs from these in that it is almost invariably single in both warp and weft. The fabric and its various qualities and colors is used for an enormous variety of purposes including tents, wagons and motor hoods, light sails, belting, bicycle tubes, mail and other bags and pocketings, and clothing. The plural form is used colloquially for trousers made of the material. Russian duck is a fine white linen canvas. The term is probably derived from the Dutch “doek,” a coarse linen material.

J: Really? Huh. Okay.

B: There you have the dope on ducks.

J: Yeah and here, wow, how perfectly timed because here we have an origami duck. My mom taught me how to make these —

B: That's stunningly beautiful.

J: — in the old country.

B: So on that note, we'd like to present segment number seven of “Disturbed Monkey Love.” This is a continuing series of installments.

J: Number seven.
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Director: [Off-camera] OK, stand up and pull up your dress. Blood, blood, blood. Plenty of blood, just let it keep going. OK, stop the blood, that's enough. OK, now lift, and put your head under and start bobbing. Hurry. OK, smiling, oh yeah! OK, stop.

Jesus: Father, I'm coming!

Director: [Off-camera] Laugh real big, and now spit it out.
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B: But that was the point.

J: I was hoping it would look like something.
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J: We're gonna do something that we've never done before. We are going to have a guest bartender. Miss Christy Paxson is going to fix this. Now we're making gin and tonics, and Christy is supposedly one of the great gin and tonic makers.

Xy: I'm the best this side of the Mississipp'.

J: Yeah, now watch how she uses this knife here.

Xy: That's right, the first thing you want to do is slice your lime. But first you want to squeeze it, so it gets nice and juicy, and I'm sure you do that all the time, anyway. Anyway. So without further ado, I shall slice.

J: We're having this drink, by the way, because this is what presidential types might drink. And so in the interest of being presidential, which of course we are in everything else we do, we are going to have gin and tonics.

Xy: The next step is to open that tonic water and make sure that you have quinine.

J: Okay.

Xy: Aaah, that sounded good. Okay, the next step, what I like to do, to make my drink special, is layer the drink. Start with a little bit of tonic water. Now, you'll note that we —

J: How much did you add there now?

Xy: Oh, well — I need to add —

J: Oh, handy, about half a cup.

Xy: Half a cup, thank you. Okay, we're gonna have a little taste test. We've got Gordon's and Fleischmann's. Now, we wouldn't want to —

J: Now, are these both London dry gins? Yes, it appears that they are. Distilled dry. Oh, this is distilled dry gin from Corbin, Kentucky.

Xy: This is Owensboro.

J: Oh, Owensboro, Kentucky. Okay, this is from London, which is in England.

Xy: Uh-huh, so this will be the American drink.

B: [Off-camera] The American London dry gin.

Xy: And this will be European.

J: Yeah, note that this is a more continental glass, although London isn't really continental.

Xy: Next we shall squeeze the love right out of that.

J: Squeeze the love right out of that.

Xy: And another dose of love.

J: Watch her squeeze the love.

Xy: Now remember, I said I liked the layered feel.

J: Yeah yeah yeah. I'm waiting in anticipation.

Xy: Now if I would have ice, it would make that layering, all that —

J: Yeah, we seem to have failed in the ice category.

Xy: Ooh, and we're almost ready folks.

J: Gosh, I can barely wait.

Xy: Now slice a chunk.

J: Oh you're cutting that yet again.

Xy: Just slicing a chunk. Yeah make sure you use the side of the knife with the blade.

J: Edge. Yes.

Xy: But even sometimes — whoo! — you might want to sharpen.

J: Yeah.

Xy: One more. A little cutting problem.

J: Yeah, looks like you cut right through that table there.

Xy: And we stir.

J: Oh tricky! Notice how she's using the butt end of the knife.

Xy: Always use the butt end.

J: Be careful if you do that at home. By the way, you're supposed to be doing this with us. So, uh, so, do.

Xy: Okay, European.

J: All right, American. [clink]

Xy: Ah.

J: We're being presidential here.

Xy: What a lovely summit we're having.

J: Hmm, I would pronounce that as distinctly potable.

B: [Off-camera] So whose is better?

Xy: I gotta hand it to the Americans.

J: Yep yep yep. I can't tell the difference.

Xy: Thumbs up, America.
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J: Damn, this is a good drink, especially when you drink it out of a used fishbowl.

B: It's a work of art. And to further continue on that note —

J: — theme of work of art —

B: Yup, this is a piece of video art that we'd like to present for your approval.
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[Music]
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B: What you just saw there was, uh, me pulling the lever for Bill Clinton, and, as you know, the majority of Americans did the same, and that is why —

J: Well, actually, not the majority, but —

B: The majority of voting Americans.

J: Well, no, the majority... well, because it was a three-way split, right? So it wasn't actually the majority, but more people voted for Bill Clinton than anybody else. That's what's important.

B: Yeah.
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J: On other issues, abortion. Bill Clinton favors abortion rights in most cases. George Bush opposes abortion rights with a very few exceptions. Now, I tend to agree with Clinton on that.

B: But in the egalitarian spirit, which is the fabric of America's philosophical underpinnings, we want to present the other side of the story. And that's why we have a special guest this week.

J: A Republican, no less. Yes, we have, we allowed a Republican into the studio of our set, although this is filmed at an undisclosed location.
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J: Oh, oh, grand. This is M(m), and she is somewhat of a Republican activist of some repute.

B: [Off-camera] She's even wearing a button.

J: She's even wearing a button: Bush Quayle '92, a little bit out of date, you know, because this, of course, you know, the election's already happened, and it's already over. So —

M: Okay, now, now, Joe, I'd just like to cut in and say something here.

J: It's J! You gave away my secret identity, damn it. It's J.

M: J, J, J. Pardon me. I'd just like to take a moment and appeal to your relativism, which you are so very fond of, and say that although from your standpoint, Bill Clinton won, because what's right for me is what's right for me, according to your relativism, what's real for me is real for me, according to your relativism —

J: Yeah, that's true.

M: — therefore, in my personal reality, George Bush is the unrequited victor, and I would just like to say, congratulations, George, and I'm very proud of you. I was behind you all the way, and I have many reasons for having been behind George all of this time, and I'm very proud to be a supporter. So, thank you, George, for coming through for me.

J: Wow, that's, I, yeah, so we must like have different realities then.
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J: Now, we talked about, earlier, about Bill Clinton's stance on abortion. We have here another special guest. This is a two-guest night. This is E(w). He is from the Bloomington More Life Coalition. Now, you know what pro-life is, or pro-choice, but you may not know what More Life is. Tell us about it, E.

E: Well, yes, I am from the More Life Coalition, and from our point of view, the pro-life, the pro-life community are somewhat misguided. They don't really understand the true nature of the problem. We're very concerned with the millions of unhatched eggs. In other words, menstruation. Menstruation is —

J: So not just unhatched but unfertilized.

E: Well, yes, I suppose it's the half babies that we're worried about, the future of the country and of other countries.

B: [Off-camera] Not just the eggs.

E: No, sperm, sperm as well.

J: Okay.
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J: Do you consider yourself a Republican?

M: Of course, certainly, certainly.

J: But yet, no, wait, here, proper Republicans — you need to —

M: Stereotypes. Foolishness.

J: Who, me?
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J: So, do you have like a list of grievances or beliefs?

E: Well, I do have such a list.

J: Wow, fancy that.

E: I hope that you're not trying to ridicule me in any way.

J: Oh. No. Hey, hey, you're allowed. Anyone who wants to have beliefs is allowed to be on our show and vice versa.

E: That wouldn't include people with improper beliefs.

J: Uh, no, you know, people with improper beliefs. I mean, we had a Republican on before, for God's sake. But how more improper can you get there?

E: We have a list of demands, first of all, and we are disseminating this through the proper channels —

J: Assiduously. Assiduously. Now, there's a word.

E: Yes, yes, it is. First of all, of course, as I made reference to, an end to menstruation. It kills potential babies at the rate of one per month.

J: Per woman.

E: Per woman. With approximately 2 billion menstruating women in the world, that's 24 billion lost babies.

J: Per year.

E: Each and every year.

J: Wow, that's insane.

E: We have some other demands, would you care to hear them?

J: Sure.

E: If it's not too powerful for your television station.

J: Oh, it's okay, it's okay.

E: We're pretty much a repressed — I'd say this. People just don't like to hear what we have to say.

J: Hm. Wonder why.

E: It strikes a nerve.

J: Oh, okay, yeah, yeah, it strikes a nerve in our culture.

B: [Off-camera] Culture.

J: Culture, now there's a word. Go ahead, tell us more, oh wise one. Hey, I'm not mocking you. Go ahead.
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B: [Off-camera] So, whose reality is going to be on my paycheck?

M: Well, if you're coming from Bill Clinton's reality standpoint, Bill Clinton will be taking out about 50% or 40% of the amount of money that you earn in every year, Bart. But if we're looking at George Bush's reality, he'll be taking out more like 20 to 25% and making government more efficient and putting money back in the hands of all of us Americans.

J: Hmm. So here we have a Republican.
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E: Responsible masturbation. That's right. Men should freeze and save their sperm for later use in artificial insemination. Now, at first, there may not be enough women to impregnate with all the sperm, but this problem will correct itself as billions of new babies become fertile women. So save your sperm. I know this is a sensitive subject, but in the area of masturbation, actually that is one of our demands. That's responsible masturbation. Oh, that's the one I just read.
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M: We're a very strong voice, and there are very intelligent college students like myself out there who believe in the Republican party, and that's a very important point that I need to make here. What else would you like to know about my views?

J: And people are probably gonna listen to you, because you're more attractive than me. Damn.

M: Not so!

J: Oh, gee.

M: You're as cute as a button, baby.

J: Oh, thanks.
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E: I want to say that you want to use a sterile baby food jar, usually, and freeze the sperm right away. Now, sometimes there are accidents at night involving ejaculation, and if this should occur, you should also have some sort of spatula or other implement, to scrape off the sheets right away, to save the sperm.

J: Yeah.

E: Okay.

J: What should, well, what happens if you, like, wake up in the morning, and you had a wet dream, but it's already kind of dry and crusty in your underwear?

E: [Laughter] I laugh only out of pain. Because we're trained to laugh. Really, it's not a funny subject. In fact, something like that happened to a very close friend of mine once.

J: Really.

E: I saw it, and it wasn't, it wasn't a pleasant subject to, really, to discuss, but you know, we took the sheet into — and let the whole family see it and talked about — I'm sorry, it really —

J: Yeah, I understand. Hey, so what should women do if they're like giving a [ __ ] and they get it all in their mouth? Should they spit or —?

E: First of all, first of all, dental, dental condoms are sold.

J: Okay.

E: But you wouldn't want to get the spermicidal type. Normal condoms we refer to as little rubber concentration camps, and all those millions of people, the next generation, as I said, and the next several. This planet could be much larger.

J: Mm hm.
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M: What more would you like to know about my views, though?

J: Oh God.

M: I'm sure you'd like to contest everything that I could say.

J: [Laughter] No, we are not here to contest anyone's opinions, as a matter of fact we accept —

M: Poke fun, poke fun.

J: Poke fun? No, we accept all opinions on our television show, even those —

B: [Off-camera] Because of your relativism.

J: — we disagree with most vehemently.

M: [Laughter] That's okay. I can take it.

J: Okay.

M: I'm tough.

J: Gimme five. All right, we have, all right, cool, thank you, M(m). Yes there's our guest for the week.
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E: You know with cloning, you have the potential — I mean forget — sperm and egg are our future. They're our next generation, but cloning, it could be the third generation. For instance, say you lost a leg in an automobile accident. Well, there is about 500 billion people we could really have populated —

J: Yeah, all those cells you mean —

B: [Off-camera] Whole planets.

E: Whole planets, partial — you know, every time a piece of dander flakes off your hair, or, God forbid, you go to a barber shop... I'm saving mine. I want to keep it alive as long as possible for that day, and then eventually I will have to freeze my head.

J: Okay.
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J: All right, another drink. We're gonna, we're just continuing in this downward spiral into drunken depravity. We are going to have a screwdriver, in honor of Bill Clinton and his infamous relationship with Gennifer Flowers. So we're gonna put in about an ounce and a half of vodka into this here glass, and then we're going to add about three or four ounces of orange juice, and in honor of Gennifer Flowers, we have here some nice flowers which we are going to stick in there. Yes, because — there we go — because that's what we do. And then we're going to taste this fine drink, the Gennifer Flowers Screwdriver. Screw, driver, heh heh.

B: [Off-camera] You know, as popularly used, the term “flower” is especially applicable when part or all of the structure is distinctive in color and form.

J: And I would pronounce this distinctive in color and form and in potability.

B: [Off-camera] The flower has been a universal symbol of beauty in the civilizations of the world. Confucius included its cultivation among the arts that were essential to a man of culture.
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J: Don't you have some kind of fear that that this planet will eventually become a little bit, oh, I'd say, overcrowded by people?

E: Too many souls? Too many Christian souls? I don't think so, no.

J: Really?

E: I don't think there can be too many —

J: You think that God will protect us.

E: I think that that's part of God's plan, and let me say something else, because I sense, I don't know, some sarcasm in your voice —

J: Me?

E: And maybe in the voices of other —

J: Huh? No!

E: Now there's a prime example. You know, when people talk about — and this, I feel very important — I mean, I feel very important talking to you about it.

J: Yeah, yeah.

E: But I want to say, I want to say, I'll only take just for a minute please. You know, you hear a lot about that old cliché “barefoot and pregnant.” Well, actually, there's a lot of truth to — More Life Coalition scientists have determined, for example, that a woman, a girl wearing shoes while pregnant, which goes without saying, it affects her posture in a way that may harm fetuses.

J: Really?

E: Yes, especially because we're promoting fertility drugs to increase the number of babies in the womb at a time, so you don't waste womb space, and all the jostling around and changing the spine, the spinal position, as we call it —

J: Yeah.

E: — could cause harm. So, I think that I want the women of America, at least of Bloomington — and spread the word, girls — I want you to know that when you hear “barefoot and pregnant,” don't be ashamed, be proud, because it's your birthright and your duty.
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J: [Off-camera] Round stuff. Oh boy.
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E: You know, I question — I don't know if you wanted people at home to know that you were supporting us. We thought that you and your partner, Tom, were supporting us at this demonstration that we had.

J: Well, well, okay, let's explain this. We'll actually show you a little video clip here. Basically, what happened was these guys had a demonstration of sorts over at Planned Parenthood the other day, and we thought, we went over there and videotaped part of it, and we got kind of caught up in the spirit of the whole activity. And so you'll see B and myself, J, as participants in this demonstration. We would like to stress, however, that we have no views whatsoever. Our minds are both just chemical wastelands. We can't possibly have opinions or views of any sort. So, you know, the fact that we were participating actively in this really doesn't mean much because we just — we didn't know what we were doing.
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Group chant:
Breed don't bleed!
Breed don't bleed!
Give birth now!
Give birth now!

Xy: Girls, remember, fertility drugs can help you get the most out of your womb.

Group chant:
Save the eggs!
Save the sperm!

E: Okay, we're the More Life Coalition. We demand an end to menstruation which kills potential babies at the rate of one per month. With approximately 2 billion menstruating women in the world, that's 24 billion lost babies each and every year.

Xy: Women and girls should not masturbate, as it promotes enjoyment of sex, and it may hard-boil a woman's egg.

B sings: All hail the power of Jesus' name
Let angels prostrate fall
Bring forth the royal diadem
And crown him Lord of all
Bring forth the royal diadem
And crown him Lord of all

B: Be not deceived, God is not mocked.

Protestor: All right.

Group chant:
Breed don't bleed!
Breed don't bleed!
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E: Okay, remember out there: breed don't bleed. And if you want to contact us, our post office box is 3241. That's in Bloomington, the local coalition, the Bloomington More Life Coalition. That's area code 47401 in Bloomington, Indiana.

J: That's 02, isn't it?

E: No, you're right.

J: Okay, yeah.

E: If you want — that's right.

J: That's a zip code, in fact.

E: And we don't know why we've been moved to the lesser of the zip codes, the second zip code.

J: Second rate.

E: Because we noticed that the regular pro-lifers have always had an 01, but we're hoping that, you know, as time goes on, and we're more accepted —

J: All right, well, hey, it's great to have had you on the show, and we appreciate — don't worry, I didn't leave any sperm on your hand.

E: I was just looking to see if my hand flaked.

J: Okay, all right, so thank you very much, we appreciate your — okay, you're gonna leave us some literature here.

E: Right.

J: We'll keep this for our future reference.

E: Okay, well, thanks for having me on the show.

J: Thank you very much.

E: Where are my pants? What the hell did you — what the heck did you do with my pants?

J: Hey, hey, we would never do anything.
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J: So we have come at last to the end of this fine episode of — what is this show called? J&B on the ROX.

J&B sing: All hail the power of Jesus' name
Let angels prostrate fall
Bring forth the royal diadem
And crown him Lord of all
Bring forth the royal diadem
And crown him Lord of all

B sings: Raise your can of beer on high

J sings: Let every angel drink

B sings: And seal your fate forever

J sings: And then you will not stink.

J: This is a musical episode. This is the Bill Clinton musical episode with various Republican guests.

B: So congratulations, Bill.

[Music]

— by B | link

[Music]

J: So, welcome to J&B on the ROX. I'm J.

B: And I'm B, but let's just keep it on a first initial basis.

J: So, B has some little special aspect thing to his life that he wants to tell you about.

B: Yeah, this, as a matter of fact, this episode, we're going to kind of revolve around a certain new development in my own personal life.

J: So, this is basically giving us a chance to just talk about what we're doing in our lives.

B: To just talk, in other words, about ourselves and things which are of minimal interest to you, the home viewer.

J: Right.
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Voiceover by B: There is an observation that has been verified repeatedly. It is simply that at [redacted], people stay. But why do they stay? Rita [redacted] explains, “I love my job because of the fulfillment when I see a room full of people who I have hired.”
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J: So, we are going to, to this is a special orange night by the way, and we're going to start with an Orange Aid. That's A-I-D, and not in any way related to AIDS, which is an awful disease that some people have. You want to put in two ounces of vodka first of all. So actually, I think we want some, yeah, we want some ice.

B: Oops.

J: Hey, thanks. I appreciate your sympathy in saying “oops” for me. I'm gonna put four cubes of ice in each one of these. This, by the way, is a show which glorifies the responsible use of alcohol by teaching you to make a variety of mixed drinks. And one of the main purposes of this show is that you, the home viewer, are supposed to make the drinks along with us. So, really quickly, go get a glass, get some ice, and you're going to want to put two ounces of vodka in each glass, or if you're only having one, I mean, I would highly recommend having two, but, well, you want two ounces in each glass anyway.

B: Certainly we would advise you to invite a friend over. Share.

J: So two ounces of vodka. Then you're gonna add, now this is the special ingredient. This you may not have, but you can improvise by going to your local liquor store, and we wouldn't want to endorse any particular liquor store like Big Red, but anyway. Hey, you want some Grand Marnier. Now, this is a liqueur. It's 40% alcohol by volume. Um, it's triple dot dot dot dot dot dot dot orange. And it says triple orange here again. You know, it would have been nice if, since it says triple orange twice, they might as well have put put it a third time and thus got some kind of subtlety involved. But you know how those French are. Okay. So, we're gonna put an ounce of Grand Marnier in each one of these. I'm using a shot glass, by the way, to measure these because my judgment is kind of blurred this evening. Add some orange juice, four ounces of orange juice to be precise. I'd say that's about four ounces. And I'd say that's about four ounces as well. Now, the last thing you want to add is club soda. Now, we have Canada Dry club soda here, but I would like to emphasize that any kind of club soda will do you. Now, it says fill glass with club soda. I'm not really going to fill the glass, but I'm going to add some. Okay. And so, there we have an Orange Aid. And I'm going to get one of these little plastic stir sticks and use it for its proper purpose, to stir. And, I'm gonna sample this beverage. Orange Aid. I would pronounce that as distinctly potable.
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VO: Julie [redacted], administrative assistant, said, “I enjoy the people and the diversity of individuals.” Mae [redacted], left, was quoted as saying, “It was a fun and enjoyable atmosphere, allowed me to finish my education and join the management team.”
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B: You know the sign of a good drink is that the taste of the alcohol does not overwhelm in any way. And I say that this is genuinely a good drink because even though I know that there's a fair —

J: Three ounces.

B: three ounces of liquor in here —

J: Booze.

B: You can hardly taste any of it. Very pleasant to drink, and yet I'm already copping a mild buzz.

J: Do I look autistic?

B: [nervous laugh] So anyway, um, I wanted to now get to the kind of meat of the program here, which is namely this, me.

J: Bart the meat.

B: Yes, of late, I have been employed, I've made my livelihood for the past couple years as that most dreaded and feared of American occupations, namely, I've been a telemarketer. And —

J: He's the guy that calls you up at dinner time and says, “Would you like to buy something?”

B: Yeah, yeah, so you're familiar with me. And —

J: You indeed may have spoken in person to B.

B: Yeah, I've been working at a place that, many people in the viewing audience may be familiar with, right here in Bloomington, Indiana: [redacted] Marketing. And I say that many of you may be familiar with it because, lots of people come there and work for a week or so, find out that they can't hack it, and they quit. Now —

J: How long did you last there?

B: Two years.

J: Two years!

B: Yes. I was the most veteran sales rep. It's interesting because telemarketing is not physically a hard job. I mean, you just sit on your butt and you work your jaw, much as we do.

J: Yeah, we're slackers. Did we mention that?

B: Except that, of course, at [redacted], you're not allowed to drink while you do it.

J: I make about 150 a week, incidentally. And he used to make —

B: Yeah, we'll get to my weekly wage in a little bit here. I just wanted to explain that the little motifs, the little stuff that we've intercut here in the show, you've already seen one or two, and you'll see some more, are from the [redacted] Marketing publication, which is called The New Dial.

J: Now that I find truly fascinating. They have their own publication.

B: That's right.

J: Is it, I guess it's to make you feel like part of the family?

B: That's right, part of the dialing family, the telefamily, as it were.
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VO: Scott [redacted], assistant branch manager, said, “Compared to my friends, I feel I'm the luckiest one. I can go to work, have fun, and laugh.” And here, Telecenter Manager Ray [redacted] presents the five-year service award to Branch Office Assistant Pauline [redacted], who observed, “I like the job. I like the people, and that's why I stay.”
----
B: So, in the two years that I've been employed at [redacted], I've gotten a number of different premiums, coffee cups, and pens, and things that say [redacted] Marketing on them, “team spirit,” “summer selling,” “summer fun,” little slogans like that, t-shirts and whatnot. And I wanted to share now a couple of the —

J: Show and tell.

B: Yeah, this is kind of the show and tell segment. I wanted to share a couple of the most treasured things that I've received in my two years of employment at [redacted]. It's a hotpad, as you can see. Now, it's seen better days. That's because it's been used and loved, okay? And you see what it says there?

J: Yeah, “Season's Greetings.” Now wait, why is that so brown? What have you been doing with it?

B: Well, you see, that's kind of funny. You know, for a while, I was using it as a hot pad, and then we ran out of toilet paper one weekend, and, well, this was sitting near the bathroom, and so —

J: Say no more.

B: Yeah, it found a new use. However, I just want to emphasize that it was, that I really appreciated this thing and used it well. And here's the other really treasured thing that I got from [redacted]. Also, uh, nicely colored, I think. It's an extremely well-made sweater.

J: Well, now, that is just red.

B: Yes, it's very red.

J: And, again, it says “DM”. There seems to be kind of a corporate theme there.

B: Can you see that there?

J: Yeah, more or less.

B: [redacted] Marketing. You see it says “[redacted]” underneath. It's a nice imprinted, monogrammed thing.

J: Yes.
----
VO: It looked like summer outside, but the Cleveland book sales office went ahead and staged a great New Year's Eve party. Reps on each shift were treated to a tasty buffet in celebration of the arrival of the [redacted] fiscal year.
----
B: But really, more than anything else, probably the most treasured thing after working at [redacted] for one year, I was given a one-year service pin. It was a nice little bronze thing that had a little, um, America with the letters “DM” in it.

J: Wow.

B: A little lapel pin as well.

J: Wow, that's nice. Where is it?

B: Um, not really sure. I've kind of lost track of it, you know, moving from one place to another.

J: I can't believe that. I mean, it meant so much to you.

B: Well, yeah. And I think that this would be an appropriate time then to drown my sorrows. First down this drink and then drown my sorrows.
----
VO: A goals board in the Louisville office lets the sales reps know what their daily magazine quotas are. It works very well. Since they've been using it, they have hit their goals every week. Pictured here, David [redacted], Assistant Branch Manager, getting acquainted with Branch Office Assistant Sandra [redacted], whose sunny smile has graced this [redacted] office for five years.
----
J: As our second drink, we mentioned before, this is an orange special. We're gonna have an Orange Whiskey. This drink incorporates two ounces of whiskey, first of all. Now, we have almost precisely four ounces left in this, in this decanter, this fine plastic decanter. See, I can squeeze it, and yet it doesn't break. So I'm going to pour half of it in each one. Yeah, that'll just about do it. And then again, we're going to use an ounce of Grand Marnier in each one. Because this fine French liqueur stuff thing —

B: Just so orange.

J: Yeah.

B: Triple.

J: Yeah. Smells like orange. Can you smell that?

B: Oh.

J: Yeah. So, we're going to, and then let's see, what else are we adding? We're adding a half an ounce of lemon juice, actually, just to kind of tempt your taste buds. Tempt your taste buds. Okay.

B: Tempt your taste, bud.

J: Then, let's see, we need, okay, the only other thing left to add is orange Slice. Now, this calls for orange Slice. We couldn't find a can of orange Slice, actually, and so we're going to use a real orange slice and act like we didn't know any better, right? Okay, so, we've got this orange which we bought at Kroger, although we wouldn't want to endorse any particular brand of supermarket, but notice that when we bought this orange, it had a J on it, and I find that highly appropriate because, after all, I'm J, and I'm the one who's going to cut it. So, this was earmarked, as it were, for me.

B: But show them the other interesting produce that we got.

J: Oh, actually, that is interesting. We also got this. Now, this is a vagina. But it's actually on a pomegranate. And —

B: You don't see that every day.

J: You don't see that every day. And —

B: Not even in Bloomington.

J: We'll talk about this pomegranate a little bit more later in the show, but for now, I'm going to slice open this orange. So, I'll just get out my trusty knife here.

B: Wow.

J: Oh, well, that's good. Yeah, we're up here in the attic, actually. I'm talking to you on my cordless phone, and I'm on, I'm on video, no less. And I was in the middle of making an Orange Whiskey, which incorporates two ounces of whiskey, one ounce of Grand Marnier, a half ounce of lemon juice, one teaspoon of superfine sugar, which is optional, and we're not gonna use it, and an orange slice, just for your information and edification. Well, we haven't made one yet here, actually. I, because you ask, I will go so far as to complete the drink, which all that is left is to add the orange slice to it, and then I will, I will tell you just how good it is. So, I'm gonna put this slice here on the edge of the glass, and then shake it up a little bit, and taste it. Ooh, wow. I would pronounce that as distinctly festive. Yes.
----
VO: This photo comes to us from the Port Richey office. Their “hang loose” appearance is deceiving. It is the result of a dress-down promo. These [redacted]ns were having a good time and a very successful sales week.
----
B: So, for two years, I worked there at [redacted] Marketing. Two years of my life given over to this activity of calling people up on the phone, and last week, I quit. And now I'm looking for another job.

J: So, how much are you making now?

B: Well, yeah, see, I guess I should point out the nice thing about telemarketing. The nicest thing about telemarketing was that —

J: This is a sliding scale of nicety.

B: Yeah, but at the top of this nicety scale, it paid well.

J: Really?

B: Yes.

J: How much did you make?

B: Well, anywhere from five to ten dollars an hour.

J: And how much per week?

B: Well, it'll be usually about a hundred dollars a week.

J: That was the key phrase that I was looking for.

B: About a hundred dollars a week, working, you know, 15 to 20 hours, and now, however, I am unemployed.

J: An unemployed drug addict.

B: And therefore making zero dollars a week.

J: Yeah. Oh, wait a minute. So, you're not making any money? How are you gonna pay the rent?

B: Well, I have put a little money aside for just such an occasion.

J: Okay.

B: You see, unlike most Americans, I have scrimped and saved and I don't actually have, as opposed to, you know, never mind, before I get on the sanctimonious trip. Let's thrill and enthrall you with this video clip.
----
Xy: Hey, isn't that guy B from J&B on the ROX, down here on the corner? I — Hey, aren't you B from J&B on the ROX?

B: I'm out of work and I, I need some work.

Xy: Well, you know, I got a fence that needs painted, I'll give you nice warm meal.

B: See what it says here, it says “booze.”

Xy: Now listen, we'll work this out in a minute, but I don't think that's — Okay.

Rachel: Livin' on sponge cake.

Xy: Now I don't think booze is the right thing. Now, I will give you a nice, you know, hot meal.

B: Can't you read woman? I don't want no food. I want BOOZE, B-double-O-Z-E.

Xy: Well —

B: I'm willing to do almost anything, ma'am.
----
B: So, um, as you can see, I'm desperate. But, as you can also see, I'm not a completely worthless human being. Please, please say that you can see that.

J: Even with that nice hairdo of yours.

B: Because I've been growing my hair out. What do you think? If you, if you know of, please, if you know of any job opportunities or employment opportunities or something that, you know, old B could make some money at, just let us know. Post Office Box 3241, Bloomington, Indiana 47402.

J: We would encourage you to write and and and and and tell him of any job opportunity that you hear of.

B: Yeah.

J: Because because I mean, usually he sits alone in his room all day, just sulking and and drowning his sorrows in booze. And so, you know, it's not like he can actually go out and search for a job himself. So we're depending on you, the home viewer, to provide him with a job.

B: Not true, not true. I am most assiduously seeking a job, and I am being very, very selective about what kind of employment opportunities I'm going to engage in. So, please, you know, don't write in telling me that they're hiring down at Hardee's, because I'm not interested in that kind of thing. I'm looking more for something where I can, if possible, set my own workload but certainly have a high amount of independence.

J: So, more like McDonald's then.

B: My partner J once again has transcended his own eloquence and and co-opted the... oh, wait a second, just a moment here while I clear myself from this verbal thicket in which I've become ensnared.

J: [Laughter]

B: You know, one thing I've noticed, one thing I've noticed lately is that I've — I don't want to say what I was just thought I was going to say. Okay, so just scratch that.

J: Okay.

B: Okay?

J: So, what are we doing now?

B: Now we're going to have another drink.

J: Oh, [expletive], we've been drinking a lot of booze in this show.

B: But nevertheless, we have a hardcore commitment —

J: Yes.

B: — to bringing you, the home viewer —

J: An educational program.

B: That's right. And what we are going to continue with that program, and your education and edification, by teaching you about yet another drink that you can make.

J: Orange.

B: An orange drink, to follow up on this Orange Whiskey, an excellent and extremely potable beverage, I might add.
----
VO: At headquarters, the 35th anniversary of [redacted] Marketing Incorporated was observed with a sparkling celebration. A delightful luncheon was held followed by a service award ceremony. The vitality and enthusiastic participation in evidence on that occasion makes it easily understandable why this company has experienced phenomenal growth since its inception.
----
J: So, this next drink that we're going to make is called a Bitter Orange. And I'm going to make it. This drink calls for, first of all, two ounces of gin. We've already had plenty of alcohol, so I'm gonna have some more, and we will transcend this level of intellectual achievement and, and be somewhere else.

B: I would like to emphasize at this pass, however, that we are using simulated —

J: — simulated alcohol. You know, I mean, look at me, I'm completely normal. Okay, so two ounces. That's pretty close. Oh dear, look, I just spilled alcohol on a library book. Oh dear.

B: Hush little darling.

J: Okay, now we want four ounces of orange juice. By the way, you need some ice in the glass first. I kind of left that out and it actually asks for plenty. I quote, “with plenty of ice.” Okay, so —

B: I'm just so glad you got that quote exactly right.

J: Yeah. There's four ounces. I almost missed the glass. Fancy that. So, and then a dash of bitters.

B: No more, no less.

J: Angostura aromatic bitters. This is salt-free stuff.

B: There's a lot of text on there, and Joe could read it forever.

J: Yeah, but I will spare you this one time. But we would not, incidentally, want to endorse any particular brand of bitters.

B: Although, if you can find another [expletive] brand of bitters, more power to you.

J: I actually added two dashes because I'm a rebel.

B: He's a radical leftist, and he can't be stopped.

J: Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna stir it with my trusty knife. And next, I'm going to chop off my penis. Ha ha ha. Boy —

B: Scared you there for a second, didn't I?

J: Golly, all you Christians out there. Wow, I would pronounce that as distinctly potable.
----
VO: The training room walls of branch number 406 came to life with the likenesses of characters from products we sell for Newfield. The mouse above is from the “Just Ask” series. He was in good company with Zack's alligator on another wall.
----
J: So this is a really fabulous drink.

B: Yeah, the third drink, I've noticed, is always the best.

J: Yeah, I would agree with you, most assiduously.

B: Unless unless —

Both: you have a a fourth drink.

J: Okay, so, so listen, the point here being that —

B: In the past —

J: I can't remember, it's a blur.

B: Most recently — you notice how he feigns drunkenness because —

J: Yeah, actually no, no, what I was gonna say is that one of our, several of our viewers have complained, actually, that recently the drinks that we've been making, that because we've been making them up —
we've been making them up —
making them up —
up —
----
B: Oops. Sorry, if that edit was a little disturbing for you, but the battery on the camera ran out, and due to somebody's negligence, perhaps my own, we are now —

J: How did I happen to end up over here?

B: I think that that —

J: Here, I want my chair back.

B: Okay, who's doing continuity here? Okay, somebody's pay is going to be docked severely.

J: So, listen, the last few weeks, last seven weeks to be precise —

B: Yeah, we've generated a certain amount of controversy here in the Bloomington Community.
There's been this segment of our show called “Disturbed Monkey Love,” this video that a friend of a friend —

B: Somebody kind of anonymously sent in.

J: Yeah, one of those anonymous friend, friend, friend, friend-type people.

B: You've seen it though.

J: Yeah, you've seen it. “Disturbed Monkey Love.” Well, we've been showing it, and it has generated a great deal of controversy, especially last week's episode, which had some Christ imagery in it.

B: Exactly, exactly. And so, yeah, well, actually, there have been a lot of really vociferous comments, both one way and the other, a lot of really kind of fundamentalist Christian uptight types, I guess, were kind of offended by that, and some of the other things, the scatological humor and so forth.

J: Humor?

B: Whatever. But there were a lot of people who really felt that it was a creative endeavor and were really into it. So, we got responses from both ends, you know, people who liked it, people who didn't like it.

J: And so, for the edification of those who did like it, and for the consternation of those who didn't —

B: Précise.

J: We would like to present you with, now that we've gone through all seven segments of this, we're going to now present you with the final version of “Disturbed Monkey Love.”

B: The best of!

J: This is the best of “Disturbed Monkey Love.”

B: A retrospective if you will.
----
[Music]

Damn it!

[Vomit]

[Unintelligible]

[Music]

Father, I'm coming!

[Laughter]

Laugh, real big!
----
J: So, this week we have yet another special attribute to our, to our little, our dainty little program. Normally, we bring you a vocabulary word for your philosophical and educational edification. However, this week we have gone beyond ourselves. We have gone beyond any possible former constraints. We are bringing you not one, not two —

B: Not even three!

J: Not even three, not five, but four vocabulary words.

B: The first being “frowze.”

J: Frowze, now, you may be wondering, in your, in your stupidity —

B: Who are you, sir, to speak of stupidity at this juncture?

J: Frowze.

B: You're so, so “frowze” is probably a word that most viewers in the audience are not familiar with, namely because it's an obsolete archaic word which is no longer used in the English language but nevertheless a part of our heritage. “Frowze,” this, I would say, qualifies as a “frowze” because a “frowze” is a wig of frizzed hair, and what is this hair —

J: If not frizzed?

B: — if not frizzed. “Frizzed,” meaning to be formed into small little curls, that's vocabulary word number two: frizzed.

J: That's two.

B: Right.

J: Frowze, frizzed.

B: Now, but on this wig theme, we want to bring up the word “merkin.”

J: “Merkin.”

B: Now “merkin” is a vaginal wig, a wig which would be used in a context, well —

J: Pubic, a pubic wig.

B: Exactly. What you're seeing on your screen now, for example, would be an example of a “merkin” in use. This, for example, might work as a “merkin.”

J: Oh, my God, I thought that was your hair.

B: No, no, I've had a “merkin” on my head all night. So, so, what do you put your “merkin” on? That brings us to vocabulary word number four: quim.

J: Now, what does that mean?

B: Well, that's what you would put your “merkin” on, okay, which is, so, the mons veneris, the labia, the [bleep] lips, as it were.

J: Yeah.

B: Joe giggles here only out of pain.

J: Yeah, I'm glad that this show completely lacks subtlety.
----
VO: The 35th anniversary celebration of [redacted] Marketing Incorporated was a sparkling event. All employees at headquarters received an invitation to lunch and a thank you from Chairman of the Board William [redacted] Sr. and Vice Chairman John [redacted].
----
J: Go ahead.

B: Okay, well, first, to set this up, I want to equip you okay with a “quim.”

J: Okay.

B: Or rather, a “quim” substitute. Now, you saw this earlier in our show, and certainly, if this doesn't bear resemblance to a “quim” —

J: What else would?

B: Nothing. Nothing, yes, exactly. So, hold that there.

J: Okay, I am the bearer of the “quim.”

B: The “quim” bearer. And I am the “merkin” holder. And now, I will address you forthrightly.

J: Okay.

B: A “merkin” for your “quim,” my dear?
----
VO: The cafeteria was colorfully decorated and set up for dining and for dancing. A disc jockey played lively tunes throughout the luncheon. The cafeteria staff produced a delicious meal, which was enjoyed indoors and on the patio. There was a hot dog wagon on the patio, complete with fixings.
----
J: We are now going to present for you — we mentioned too that we're out of “Disturbed Monkey Love” segments.

B: That's right.

J: But that's okay because we're forging new territory now. We are moving on to yet another new weekly segment on our program.

B: Expanding the artistic and cultural horizons of the citizens of Bloomington once again —

J: And parameters.

B: — exactly, with our avant-garde program for cultural edification.

J: So, in that vein, we would like to to issue unto you segment one of J&B's Erotic Videos.

B: Yeah.
----
P: 1st Corinthians 6:18. “Flee from sexual immorality, all other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.” Proverbs 6:25. “Do not lust in your heart after her beauty or let her captivate you with her eyes.” 1st Thessalonians 4:3-5. “It is God's will that you should be holy, that you should avoid sexual immorality, that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen who do not know God.” Romans 1:24. “Therefore, God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts, to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another.”
----
J: So that will become a weekly segment for us. And if you are interested in —

B: — participating —

J: participating in an erotic video, if you have an idea —

B: — if you want to take your clothes off in front of a video camera —

J: — or even if you don't, but you want to do something that is so erotic that you don't even have to take off your clothes, Post Office Box 3241 that's where you need to — ow — Bloomington, Indiana 47402. That didn't feel good at all.

B: But I liked it.

J: You can write to us and let us know your ideas, and we will gladly —

B: — incorporate them —

J: — into our little program —

B: — programme “P-R-O-G-R-A-M-M-E.”
----
[Music]

B: Hey, J, I was thinking maybe it's time for us to do our little viewer mail segment.

J: Oh, okay. Why don't we do that? Yeah, um, where is it? Where's the mail?

B: Oh, well, we keep it in the bran flakes box now, remember?

J: Oh, that's right. That's right. That's where our delivery person brings it to us in the bran flakes box because so that in case he gets mugged on the street, nobody would think to look for the viewer mail in the bran flakes box. Here we go, yellow sheet of paper. Huh. This one isn't littered with expletives. I think we can actually read this on the air.

J reads: J&B, I need some advice, comma, and since you guys are of infinite wisdom, I figured I'd ask you. The advice I need is what drink would be best if I'm risking failing out of school, I'm out of money, I've already used five commas in this letter, now six, and my girlfriend hates your show. Please help me. I need a drink really bad, and I just can't pick out the one to match the situation. I just have one constraint: the drink must be potable. Sincerely, Todd Halverson.

J: Now, it's obvious this guy's actually seen our show and isn't just writing to us randomly. Todd Halverson.

J reads: P.S. Your show rocks.

J: Wow, it actually says that. So, and this is, you will, you may note, this is not my handwriting, I promise.

B: This is a real fan letter.

J: Yeah, our first real fan letter. This means a lot. I think we'll frame it. Let's see, so he wants a drink that would be best if he's failing out of school, he's out of money, his girlfriend hates the show.

B: You know, I can understand where this guy's coming from.

J: Yeah, this sounds like our lives. Because our girlfriends — actually, I don't even have a girlfriend to hate the show. And I'm out of money.

B: And out of school.

J: Certainly out of school already. I think it's time to lay the big one on the line. I think it is time to make The Slacker. Well, The Slacker is my favorite drink. It is indeed, it is kind of the most appropriate drink, and kind of the drink that drives this show along. It is our mascot of sorts, and we're proud to offer, finally The Slacker for Todd Halverson, show him what —

B: What lies ahead.

J: What lies ahead. So, the first thing you need for a Slacker is a couple of Mason jars.

B: Todd, this goes out to you, I can only hope that you're making this drink, now.

J: Yeah, yeah, yeah. You need to get a Mason jar, first of all, because, you know, this signifies the fact that we're so impoverished that we can't even afford to buy our own glasses. And next, you'll want some ice. So the ice, of course, signifies the coldness of our world. You'll want at least three cubes in because, you know, life is triply as cold if you're a slacker in the Midwest. Next, you'll want to add an ounce of dark rum. Um, of course, you know, dark rum signifying the darkness of our lives.

B: Oh, that's very dark.

J: Yeah, that's a very dark rum. Next, you'll want to add an ounce of vodka. Vodka, of course, signifying the failure of communism, and its failure to connect with us in any meaningful way or even be like an aspect of our culture. Then you'll want to add some Coca-Cola, which, of course, signifies our helpless connection to Corporate America. You'll just add about three ounces of that into the old glass there, maybe four ounces. Let's say four ounces, except that's not four ounces, but we're making this a stiffy. Okay. And, the last thing you want to add is just a dash of bitters. Now, of course, you know, some of these other things required explanation, but, you know, the symbolism of bitters in this drink, you couldn't possibly miss. Okay, and then you'll want to shake it, symbolizing the kind of whirlwind uncontrollability of our lives, and then taste it. Todd, I think you have yourself one hell of a potable drink.

B: Well, cheers. Here's to Todd then.

J: Here's to Todd Halverson, our first fan.

B: And thanks for tuning in, Tuesday nights at 11. This is J&B on the ROX.

J: See you next week.

[Music]

B: And then they see me standing there with the sign that says “Will Work for Booze.” Yeah, so, you know, if they can't figure that out, okay, they probably don't know how to operate the remote control.

[Music]

— by B | link

Aaand here's a big iceberg video on the mysteries of public access television, from the fabulous Joey Engelman. It's one hour and 22 minutes. ROX leads off Tier 4 (of 6) at 40:16. Or catch it on TikTok! Enjoy!

— by B | link

Video Shorts is a compilation of videos produced in late 1989 and early 1990, during my senior year of college. The only clear date for the work is the so-called “production date,” which in this case is clearly before any of the video was actually produced. I went to BCAT on or around 4 June 1989, according to my journal, and while there I must have submitted paperwork to begin the program that would ultimately become the Video Shorts compilation. I really don't know what I had in mind at the time. Perhaps I just wanted an open production so I could check out equipment; I suspect this is how I produced “Poontang” that fall. Most of the remainder of these videos were completed in the “Seminar in the Visual Arts” class I took the following spring. “Humanoid Artifact” was a separate production around the same time. Assemblage of the Video Shorts comp was probably completed that spring or later in 1990.

Here's the program:

Poontang, Video Rap, Profile of an Artistic Genius, Stories for People, Seizure, Scooter Combs His Hair, They'll Know We Are Christians, Pledge, Smoking Machine, The Day the Entire Universe Stood Still, Skinhead Rap, Humanoid Artifact, Middle Class Reality Check

— by B | link

It was recently brought to our attention that J&B's Nightcap did not survive our domain migration a couple years back. The people are clamoring, and who are we to deny the people? The old podcast has been restored. We're not recording any new episodes, luckily. But the hoary old archive has been restored. Check it out.

— by B | link