J&B's Freshman Orientation Tips

Here are a few things that you freshmen coming to Indiana University for the first time are going to need to know. There are certain things that IU and the Herald-Times and other institutions in the area won't tell you. But we'll tell you.

1. Listen to us, and don't listen to anybody else.
2. Don't listen to us. We don't know shit.
3. Go over there.
4. Where to buy liquor: There are a number of liquor stores around town for your convenience, but note that liquor stores are closed in Indiana on Sundays.
5. Don't drink the drinks you see featured on this show or you might be sorry.
6. Don't drink way too much.
7. Don't worry about your GPA. It's not worth it.
8. Where to have anonymous bathroom sex: the second floor men's restroom in Ballantine Hall, of course.
9. Where to get free pornography: alt.sex.pictures.
10. Take drugs at work often.
11. How to sneak beer into the dorm: Pretend you're doing laundry and sneak the beer in your laundry basket.
12. Unlocked bikes are free for the taking.
13. Where to make out at IU: How about that old stone bench from 1906?
14. Wear silly hats to class. It catches the professor's attention, and that's of the essence.
15. Don't major in business. It's not what you wanna do.
16. Don't get hassled by the man.
17. Pets and bicycles in Jordan Hall every day.

Oh and don't forget Tip #77: Get a PhD. It will probably get you laid at least once.

Note: These tips were originally formulated in the summer of 1993.