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Transcript for #15


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J: Welcome to J&B on the ROX. I'm J.

B: And I'm B.

J: And this is our special congratulations to Bill Clinton episode. Now we know that, you know, we're a week late, but —

B: Nevertheless we want to congratulate him on having won the presidential election, and we want to dedicate this show, then, to Bill Clinton.

J: And to start off the show in honor of Bill Clinton, we'd like to have a toast. Let's see. So we're gonna go over to the bar and do that.
J: So we are going to have a toast for ol' Bill Clinton. This is Andre Cold Duck Natural. You know it's the real stuff. We're having this toast in honor of his landslide victory last Tuesday. So now these have very complex tops, and this will probably take me hours. Stop. Read before opening. Prevent eye injury. Read warning below. Uh oh. This sounds serious. Be careful. Point bottle away from self and others to avoid serious eye injury... Gosh, it's got a really long statement there about how to do that. So I wonder if this is where I'm supposed to point this away from my eye. All right. Here we go. All right. Oh joy, joy. Gosh. I feel like I'm at the Democratic National Convention. We're drinking tonight out of a fish bowl. Here. Gosh, that's bubbly. Guess that's why they call it bubbly. And a cup measure. And for our guests, a Ball Perfect Mason jar and another Mason jar. So... Here I am pouring this drink. To Bill Clinton! I would pronounce that as distinctly potable.
B: Here's looking at you, Bill.

J: Got a new hat here. Bart is feeling presidential. You know, this is, as we said, this is Andre Cold Duck. Not to endorse any particular brand of Cold Duck, but —

B: Nor should you become confused with the term lame duck, which also is circulated in presidential times.

J: Yeah, now, lame duck means what?

B: I mean, for example, George Bush is now a lame duck.

J: Right.

B: Because he's still president [pause] but not for long.

J: Yep. So, that's not really our vocabulary word for the day. We'll get to that later. But anyway —

B: While we're on the subject of ducks, we thought that we would instruct you in the making of, in the fine art of origami.

J: Yeah.

B: And J here is going to demonstrate how to make an origami duck. If we could get a close-up on this. In fact, why don't you just do it right on the floor?

J: Okay, I will.

B: And you can tilt down for a shot of that. And meanwhile, for your edification, for your further edification, for your audio edification, I will explain some duck facts.

J: Okay, first of all, I should explain that as all great origami artists know, you need a square piece of paper to perform any kind of origami. And so now I have created —

B: [Off-camera] Look at how he deftly formed a square.

J: Okay, now just watch and listen to old B.

B: [Off-camera] Technically, technically, technically, duck is restricted to the female, the male being called drake. Males are usually colorful, females duller, but both are dull in some species, as for example in the American black duck. The male may guard the nest before watching but takes no interest in the brood and indeed is incapable of rendering active assistance by reason of an additional molt that deprives him of the power of flight until autumn. It is an interesting point that whereas the male wild duck is monogamous, the domesticated drake is polygamous. Duck is also a plain fabric made originally from tow yarns and subsequently from either flax or cotton. It is lighter than canvas or sail cloth and differs from these in that it is almost invariably single in both warp and weft. The fabric and its various qualities and colors is used for an enormous variety of purposes including tents, wagons and motor hoods, light sails, belting, bicycle tubes, mail and other bags and pocketings, and clothing. The plural form is used colloquially for trousers made of the material. Russian duck is a fine white linen canvas. The term is probably derived from the Dutch “doek,” a coarse linen material.

J: Really? Huh. Okay.

B: There you have the dope on ducks.

J: Yeah and here, wow, how perfectly timed because here we have an origami duck. My mom taught me how to make these —

B: That's stunningly beautiful.

J: — in the old country.

B: So on that note, we'd like to present segment number seven of “Disturbed Monkey Love.” This is a continuing series of installments.

J: Number seven.
Director: [Off-camera] OK, stand up and pull up your dress. Blood, blood, blood. Plenty of blood, just let it keep going. OK, stop the blood, that's enough. OK, now lift, and put your head under and start bobbing. Hurry. OK, smiling, oh yeah! OK, stop.

Jesus: Father, I'm coming!

Director: [Off-camera] Laugh real big, and now spit it out.
B: But that was the point.

J: I was hoping it would look like something.
J: We're gonna do something that we've never done before. We are going to have a guest bartender. Miss Christy Paxson is going to fix this. Now we're making gin and tonics, and Christy is supposedly one of the great gin and tonic makers.

Xy: I'm the best this side of the Mississipp'.

J: Yeah, now watch how she uses this knife here.

Xy: That's right, the first thing you want to do is slice your lime. But first you want to squeeze it, so it gets nice and juicy, and I'm sure you do that all the time, anyway. Anyway. So without further ado, I shall slice.

J: We're having this drink, by the way, because this is what presidential types might drink. And so in the interest of being presidential, which of course we are in everything else we do, we are going to have gin and tonics.

Xy: The next step is to open that tonic water and make sure that you have quinine.

J: Okay.

Xy: Aaah, that sounded good. Okay, the next step, what I like to do, to make my drink special, is layer the drink. Start with a little bit of tonic water. Now, you'll note that we —

J: How much did you add there now?

Xy: Oh, well — I need to add —

J: Oh, handy, about half a cup.

Xy: Half a cup, thank you. Okay, we're gonna have a little taste test. We've got Gordon's and Fleischmann's. Now, we wouldn't want to —

J: Now, are these both London dry gins? Yes, it appears that they are. Distilled dry. Oh, this is distilled dry gin from Corbin, Kentucky.

Xy: This is Owensboro.

J: Oh, Owensboro, Kentucky. Okay, this is from London, which is in England.

Xy: Uh-huh, so this will be the American drink.

B: [Off-camera] The American London dry gin.

Xy: And this will be European.

J: Yeah, note that this is a more continental glass, although London isn't really continental.

Xy: Next we shall squeeze the love right out of that.

J: Squeeze the love right out of that.

Xy: And another dose of love.

J: Watch her squeeze the love.

Xy: Now remember, I said I liked the layered feel.

J: Yeah yeah yeah. I'm waiting in anticipation.

Xy: Now if I would have ice, it would make that layering, all that —

J: Yeah, we seem to have failed in the ice category.

Xy: Ooh, and we're almost ready folks.

J: Gosh, I can barely wait.

Xy: Now slice a chunk.

J: Oh you're cutting that yet again.

Xy: Just slicing a chunk. Yeah make sure you use the side of the knife with the blade.

J: Edge. Yes.

Xy: But even sometimes — whoo! — you might want to sharpen.

J: Yeah.

Xy: One more. A little cutting problem.

J: Yeah, looks like you cut right through that table there.

Xy: And we stir.

J: Oh tricky! Notice how she's using the butt end of the knife.

Xy: Always use the butt end.

J: Be careful if you do that at home. By the way, you're supposed to be doing this with us. So, uh, so, do.

Xy: Okay, European.

J: All right, American. [clink]

Xy: Ah.

J: We're being presidential here.

Xy: What a lovely summit we're having.

J: Hmm, I would pronounce that as distinctly potable.

B: [Off-camera] So whose is better?

Xy: I gotta hand it to the Americans.

J: Yep yep yep. I can't tell the difference.

Xy: Thumbs up, America.
J: Damn, this is a good drink, especially when you drink it out of a used fishbowl.

B: It's a work of art. And to further continue on that note —

J: — theme of work of art —

B: Yup, this is a piece of video art that we'd like to present for your approval.
B: What you just saw there was, uh, me pulling the lever for Bill Clinton, and, as you know, the majority of Americans did the same, and that is why —

J: Well, actually, not the majority, but —

B: The majority of voting Americans.

J: Well, no, the majority... well, because it was a three-way split, right? So it wasn't actually the majority, but more people voted for Bill Clinton than anybody else. That's what's important.

B: Yeah.
J: On other issues, abortion. Bill Clinton favors abortion rights in most cases. George Bush opposes abortion rights with a very few exceptions. Now, I tend to agree with Clinton on that.

B: But in the egalitarian spirit, which is the fabric of America's philosophical underpinnings, we want to present the other side of the story. And that's why we have a special guest this week.

J: A Republican, no less. Yes, we have, we allowed a Republican into the studio of our set, although this is filmed at an undisclosed location.
J: Oh, oh, grand. This is M(m), and she is somewhat of a Republican activist of some repute.

B: [Off-camera] She's even wearing a button.

J: She's even wearing a button: Bush Quayle '92, a little bit out of date, you know, because this, of course, you know, the election's already happened, and it's already over. So —

M: Okay, now, now, Joe, I'd just like to cut in and say something here.

J: It's J! You gave away my secret identity, damn it. It's J.

M: J, J, J. Pardon me. I'd just like to take a moment and appeal to your relativism, which you are so very fond of, and say that although from your standpoint, Bill Clinton won, because what's right for me is what's right for me, according to your relativism, what's real for me is real for me, according to your relativism —

J: Yeah, that's true.

M: — therefore, in my personal reality, George Bush is the unrequited victor, and I would just like to say, congratulations, George, and I'm very proud of you. I was behind you all the way, and I have many reasons for having been behind George all of this time, and I'm very proud to be a supporter. So, thank you, George, for coming through for me.

J: Wow, that's, I, yeah, so we must like have different realities then.
J: Now, we talked about, earlier, about Bill Clinton's stance on abortion. We have here another special guest. This is a two-guest night. This is E(w). He is from the Bloomington More Life Coalition. Now, you know what pro-life is, or pro-choice, but you may not know what More Life is. Tell us about it, E.

E: Well, yes, I am from the More Life Coalition, and from our point of view, the pro-life, the pro-life community are somewhat misguided. They don't really understand the true nature of the problem. We're very concerned with the millions of unhatched eggs. In other words, menstruation. Menstruation is —

J: So not just unhatched but unfertilized.

E: Well, yes, I suppose it's the half babies that we're worried about, the future of the country and of other countries.

B: [Off-camera] Not just the eggs.

E: No, sperm, sperm as well.

J: Okay.
J: Do you consider yourself a Republican?

M: Of course, certainly, certainly.

J: But yet, no, wait, here, proper Republicans — you need to —

M: Stereotypes. Foolishness.

J: Who, me?
J: So, do you have like a list of grievances or beliefs?

E: Well, I do have such a list.

J: Wow, fancy that.

E: I hope that you're not trying to ridicule me in any way.

J: Oh. No. Hey, hey, you're allowed. Anyone who wants to have beliefs is allowed to be on our show and vice versa.

E: That wouldn't include people with improper beliefs.

J: Uh, no, you know, people with improper beliefs. I mean, we had a Republican on before, for God's sake. But how more improper can you get there?

E: We have a list of demands, first of all, and we are disseminating this through the proper channels —

J: Assiduously. Assiduously. Now, there's a word.

E: Yes, yes, it is. First of all, of course, as I made reference to, an end to menstruation. It kills potential babies at the rate of one per month.

J: Per woman.

E: Per woman. With approximately 2 billion menstruating women in the world, that's 24 billion lost babies.

J: Per year.

E: Each and every year.

J: Wow, that's insane.

E: We have some other demands, would you care to hear them?

J: Sure.

E: If it's not too powerful for your television station.

J: Oh, it's okay, it's okay.

E: We're pretty much a repressed — I'd say this. People just don't like to hear what we have to say.

J: Hm. Wonder why.

E: It strikes a nerve.

J: Oh, okay, yeah, yeah, it strikes a nerve in our culture.

B: [Off-camera] Culture.

J: Culture, now there's a word. Go ahead, tell us more, oh wise one. Hey, I'm not mocking you. Go ahead.
B: [Off-camera] So, whose reality is going to be on my paycheck?

M: Well, if you're coming from Bill Clinton's reality standpoint, Bill Clinton will be taking out about 50% or 40% of the amount of money that you earn in every year, Bart. But if we're looking at George Bush's reality, he'll be taking out more like 20 to 25% and making government more efficient and putting money back in the hands of all of us Americans.

J: Hmm. So here we have a Republican.
E: Responsible masturbation. That's right. Men should freeze and save their sperm for later use in artificial insemination. Now, at first, there may not be enough women to impregnate with all the sperm, but this problem will correct itself as billions of new babies become fertile women. So save your sperm. I know this is a sensitive subject, but in the area of masturbation, actually that is one of our demands. That's responsible masturbation. Oh, that's the one I just read.
M: We're a very strong voice, and there are very intelligent college students like myself out there who believe in the Republican party, and that's a very important point that I need to make here. What else would you like to know about my views?

J: And people are probably gonna listen to you, because you're more attractive than me. Damn.

M: Not so!

J: Oh, gee.

M: You're as cute as a button, baby.

J: Oh, thanks.
E: I want to say that you want to use a sterile baby food jar, usually, and freeze the sperm right away. Now, sometimes there are accidents at night involving ejaculation, and if this should occur, you should also have some sort of spatula or other implement, to scrape off the sheets right away, to save the sperm.

J: Yeah.

E: Okay.

J: What should, well, what happens if you, like, wake up in the morning, and you had a wet dream, but it's already kind of dry and crusty in your underwear?

E: [Laughter] I laugh only out of pain. Because we're trained to laugh. Really, it's not a funny subject. In fact, something like that happened to a very close friend of mine once.

J: Really.

E: I saw it, and it wasn't, it wasn't a pleasant subject to, really, to discuss, but you know, we took the sheet into — and let the whole family see it and talked about — I'm sorry, it really —

J: Yeah, I understand. Hey, so what should women do if they're like giving a [ __ ] and they get it all in their mouth? Should they spit or —?

E: First of all, first of all, dental, dental condoms are sold.

J: Okay.

E: But you wouldn't want to get the spermicidal type. Normal condoms we refer to as little rubber concentration camps, and all those millions of people, the next generation, as I said, and the next several. This planet could be much larger.

J: Mm hm.
M: What more would you like to know about my views, though?

J: Oh God.

M: I'm sure you'd like to contest everything that I could say.

J: [Laughter] No, we are not here to contest anyone's opinions, as a matter of fact we accept —

M: Poke fun, poke fun.

J: Poke fun? No, we accept all opinions on our television show, even those —

B: [Off-camera] Because of your relativism.

J: — we disagree with most vehemently.

M: [Laughter] That's okay. I can take it.

J: Okay.

M: I'm tough.

J: Gimme five. All right, we have, all right, cool, thank you, M(m). Yes there's our guest for the week.
E: You know with cloning, you have the potential — I mean forget — sperm and egg are our future. They're our next generation, but cloning, it could be the third generation. For instance, say you lost a leg in an automobile accident. Well, there is about 500 billion people we could really have populated —

J: Yeah, all those cells you mean —

B: [Off-camera] Whole planets.

E: Whole planets, partial — you know, every time a piece of dander flakes off your hair, or, God forbid, you go to a barber shop... I'm saving mine. I want to keep it alive as long as possible for that day, and then eventually I will have to freeze my head.

J: Okay.
J: All right, another drink. We're gonna, we're just continuing in this downward spiral into drunken depravity. We are going to have a screwdriver, in honor of Bill Clinton and his infamous relationship with Gennifer Flowers. So we're gonna put in about an ounce and a half of vodka into this here glass, and then we're going to add about three or four ounces of orange juice, and in honor of Gennifer Flowers, we have here some nice flowers which we are going to stick in there. Yes, because — there we go — because that's what we do. And then we're going to taste this fine drink, the Gennifer Flowers Screwdriver. Screw, driver, heh heh.

B: [Off-camera] You know, as popularly used, the term “flower” is especially applicable when part or all of the structure is distinctive in color and form.

J: And I would pronounce this distinctive in color and form and in potability.

B: [Off-camera] The flower has been a universal symbol of beauty in the civilizations of the world. Confucius included its cultivation among the arts that were essential to a man of culture.
J: Don't you have some kind of fear that that this planet will eventually become a little bit, oh, I'd say, overcrowded by people?

E: Too many souls? Too many Christian souls? I don't think so, no.

J: Really?

E: I don't think there can be too many —

J: You think that God will protect us.

E: I think that that's part of God's plan, and let me say something else, because I sense, I don't know, some sarcasm in your voice —

J: Me?

E: And maybe in the voices of other —

J: Huh? No!

E: Now there's a prime example. You know, when people talk about — and this, I feel very important — I mean, I feel very important talking to you about it.

J: Yeah, yeah.

E: But I want to say, I want to say, I'll only take just for a minute please. You know, you hear a lot about that old cliché “barefoot and pregnant.” Well, actually, there's a lot of truth to — More Life Coalition scientists have determined, for example, that a woman, a girl wearing shoes while pregnant, which goes without saying, it affects her posture in a way that may harm fetuses.

J: Really?

E: Yes, especially because we're promoting fertility drugs to increase the number of babies in the womb at a time, so you don't waste womb space, and all the jostling around and changing the spine, the spinal position, as we call it —

J: Yeah.

E: — could cause harm. So, I think that I want the women of America, at least of Bloomington — and spread the word, girls — I want you to know that when you hear “barefoot and pregnant,” don't be ashamed, be proud, because it's your birthright and your duty.
J: [Off-camera] Round stuff. Oh boy.
E: You know, I question — I don't know if you wanted people at home to know that you were supporting us. We thought that you and your partner, Tom, were supporting us at this demonstration that we had.

J: Well, well, okay, let's explain this. We'll actually show you a little video clip here. Basically, what happened was these guys had a demonstration of sorts over at Planned Parenthood the other day, and we thought, we went over there and videotaped part of it, and we got kind of caught up in the spirit of the whole activity. And so you'll see B and myself, J, as participants in this demonstration. We would like to stress, however, that we have no views whatsoever. Our minds are both just chemical wastelands. We can't possibly have opinions or views of any sort. So, you know, the fact that we were participating actively in this really doesn't mean much because we just — we didn't know what we were doing.
Group chant:
Breed don't bleed!
Breed don't bleed!
Give birth now!
Give birth now!

Xy: Girls, remember, fertility drugs can help you get the most out of your womb.

Group chant:
Save the eggs!
Save the sperm!

E: Okay, we're the More Life Coalition. We demand an end to menstruation which kills potential babies at the rate of one per month. With approximately 2 billion menstruating women in the world, that's 24 billion lost babies each and every year.

Xy: Women and girls should not masturbate, as it promotes enjoyment of sex, and it may hard-boil a woman's egg.

B sings: All hail the power of Jesus' name
Let angels prostrate fall
Bring forth the royal diadem
And crown him Lord of all
Bring forth the royal diadem
And crown him Lord of all

B: Be not deceived, God is not mocked.

Protestor: All right.

Group chant:
Breed don't bleed!
Breed don't bleed!
E: Okay, remember out there: breed don't bleed. And if you want to contact us, our post office box is 3241. That's in Bloomington, the local coalition, the Bloomington More Life Coalition. That's area code 47401 in Bloomington, Indiana.

J: That's 02, isn't it?

E: No, you're right.

J: Okay, yeah.

E: If you want — that's right.

J: That's a zip code, in fact.

E: And we don't know why we've been moved to the lesser of the zip codes, the second zip code.

J: Second rate.

E: Because we noticed that the regular pro-lifers have always had an 01, but we're hoping that, you know, as time goes on, and we're more accepted —

J: All right, well, hey, it's great to have had you on the show, and we appreciate — don't worry, I didn't leave any sperm on your hand.

E: I was just looking to see if my hand flaked.

J: Okay, all right, so thank you very much, we appreciate your — okay, you're gonna leave us some literature here.

E: Right.

J: We'll keep this for our future reference.

E: Okay, well, thanks for having me on the show.

J: Thank you very much.

E: Where are my pants? What the hell did you — what the heck did you do with my pants?

J: Hey, hey, we would never do anything.
J: So we have come at last to the end of this fine episode of — what is this show called? J&B on the ROX.

J&B sing: All hail the power of Jesus' name
Let angels prostrate fall
Bring forth the royal diadem
And crown him Lord of all
Bring forth the royal diadem
And crown him Lord of all

B sings: Raise your can of beer on high

J sings: Let every angel drink

B sings: And seal your fate forever

J sings: And then you will not stink.

J: This is a musical episode. This is the Bill Clinton musical episode with various Republican guests.

B: So congratulations, Bill.


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